Boo… part one: Ghosts suck. Happy October, everybody!!!

Ghosts suck. You heard me. Of all the “monsters” in this world, ghosts are the worst – and by that, I sure as shit don’t mean the scariest. Not by a long shot.

For the record, using simple logic, this ire has to be predicated on a belief that ghosts, the afterlife, the great beyond, whatever, exist. Right? So understand that, critical as I may be, I’m not in any way, shape, or form saying that if you believe in ghosts, you’re a fucking idiot or something. I’m just not in the mood to discuss metaphysics. At least not right now – and it’s not because I’m worried about the ghost, or ghosts, I believe to be residing in my current place.

The ones here suck too. Maybe even worse than the average ghost. They just make loud noises that startle me while I’m meditating or writing. Give me a little homework to do, and it will feel just like high-school. Hiding in the clothes drier was my little brother’s favorite trick – give that one a shot. Go nuts, you spectral fuckheads.

When I say shit like that, my friends – believers and “non-believers” alike – say, “You better be careful, man. You don’t want to mess with that shit.” Did I miss a meeting, or something? Have I busted out the black candles and started a seance? Why are people so afraid of ghosts? All they can do is haunt you. And what does that really mean?

• They knock a lot of shit over.
• The move shit. Like, three inches. Generally, not when you’re in the room.
• Animals have not only the ability to detect them before you, they have a visceral, hate-filled reaction to them.
• They startle you by being someplace that you don’t expect them to be.
• Worst case scenario, they knock you around a bit.

I’ll even acknowledge poltergeists and possessions. [Who the fuck am I to say they aren’t real just because I don’t have any experiences with them? I’ve never seen a Kudu up close, either, and I still believe they exist.] It’s just that, in the face of a wide pool of anecdotal information, they’re the exceptions, not the rule. And when you piece together the evidence, ghosts are more like the non-corporeal version of a bad roommate. Kind of like living with every asshole in Animal House, all rolled into one.

Take for instance, this “chilling” scene from last year’s big thing in horror, Paranormal Activity:

This ghost obviously isn’t too powerful, otherwise, this stunt would have involved a bowl of warm water. That’s right, it’s even lamer than the oldest sleepover prank in the book. Perhaps pulling the covers away from somebody’s feet was the way you really fucked with them in 1874. Sure, it’s fucking creepy – but mainly because somebody’s there in your bedroom with you and your girl. The only real “harm” to come from this is that she’s going to have to take a longer shower in the morning to defrost her feet. That really sucks.

What ghosts really are is fucking annoying as hell. The “scary” thing is that you can’t see the asshole(s) doing whatever annoying shit they do – and if you think about it, that’s more something to get over, than to be afraid of. Let’s take a look at another scene from Paranormal Activity through a different window:

 

Don’t get me wrong, that’s freaky as shit. However, where’s the ghost really going to take her? To the gates of Hell itself? Highly unlikely. On another side of the prism: you don’t have to go to college to have lived with people who thought it was funny to drag your ass out of bed in the middle of the night, just to fuck with your world.

Look what happens when I take the audio from a random scene from another classic (ahem!), You, Me and Dupree. The scenario and the audio don’t quite match up, but it’s not quite the point anyway. I just wanted to replace the sound of blood-curdling screams with annoyance toward a roommate:

See? Now it’s a situation where the asshole simply has to go. Depending on the severity of the haunting, and the potential for grievous bodily harm, [For example: the goddamn ghost keeps dragging you toward the stairs.] sure, you could call a religious official, but why? Being one myself, I can only encourage a spirit to “go to the light.” What if the ghost has really overstepped some boundaries? Then what do you do? I say call in a spiritual professional who’s got no problem with revenge. Whether or not they’re a hoax is almost irrelevant, call a practitioner of the Dark Arts.

If you want to be cool about it, you could issue a warning:

A preacher is the least of your problems, you bastard son of a pirate whore! You should be so lucky to have a kindly, old Irishman sweat for a couple hours while encouraging you to go to the light. I know practitioners of witchcraft! If you don’t watch your shit, my friend, I’m going to have a fucking warlock imprison your ass in an amulet, then donate it it to Jan fuckin’ Crouch!

So this holiday season – go out and get nice and afraid of something that deserves your fear: serial killers, suburban kids who actually think they’re vampires, Republican heavy metal fans, whatever. Have a ball! But make 2010 the year you tell all the ghosts in your life that they can stick around if they wish, but you won’t acknowledge them, or their bullshit, anymore. And if they really want to push it – this isn’t like the year they died. We’ve got phonebooks now, and an exorcist is just one option.